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Pet Letters

My friend Erik and I were chatting about how we’re surrounded by brilliant people, so we must therefore be brilliant also. But our brilliant friends and associates seem to have more money than we do, so we’ve come up with a plan to get rich quick. We have decided to sell (or lease, depending on your expense account status) Pet Letters to people who want nice low-maintenance pets.

You can select your Pet Letter based on some personal bias—perhaps your name begins with the letter. Or perhaps you find something about the Pet Letter physically or aurally appealing.

I like Q because it has that nice little tail in lower and upper case. Erik says that he likes Y because it’s both a consonant and a vowel. (Be advised that vowels cost more because they are more diverse in the sounds they make.) My friend Daria wants to know whether W is a vowel or a consonant, and I tell her that it’s special, like Y. (W is a vowel when it’s at the end of a three-letter word with a vowel in the middle and the sound of the vowel is long. Consider hat, shed, dip, frog, cut, all short vowels. Now consider show, throw, bow [tie] hay, day, say. Hmm. I’m coming up with only one vowel per vowelized consonant. There’s also the OW effect, and the OY, to consider.)

At any rate. Choose wisely—your Pet Letter will be dependent on you for protection and nurturing!

A: This letter offers a nice location for hats and shoes if you are inclined to outfit your Pet Letter seasonally. As a vowel, it makes at least two sounds, and is therefore a little more expensive than most consonants. Because A is so frequently invoked when enumerating salient points or when illustrating the beginning and the end of something, A may need more than one keeper taking care of it.

B: B is voluptuous in both upper and lower case, offering fertile round surfaces on one side, and a prim façade on the other. B probably requires an attendant who can spend most nights at home, as B is inclined to get into a little trouble when left to its own devices for too long.

C: This is a precarious Pet Letter, and is a little more expensive than most consonants because it casts two sounds and can be made into a compound sound with two or more other Pet Letters. You might consider getting a companion Pet Letter so your C doesn’t get a psychological complex about what sound to make. This Pet Letter falls down a lot when exposed to alcohol.

D: D is another voluptuous Pet Letter, although the sound it makes is less than sensual. Sadly, this Pet Letter’s sound is often invoked when letting the speaker know that he has said something foolish, so it may need more cheering up than more confident Pet Letters.

E: This very popular vowel, having both long and short sounds, also has the magical power to render other vowels long by its mere presence on the other side of a consonant or two, to change the sound of other vowels neighboring it, and by falling silent when the mood strikes. Although stiff in appearance, E is quite fond of playing dress up, and particularly enjoys liberties taken with a calligraphy pen.

F: F is a slightly unbalanced letter, always looking as though a strong wind might knock it over. A strong enough wind when pronouncing it may also lead to a slight bit of rain on proximate listeners.

G: This funny little Pet Letter struggles with its weight. Sometimes it makes a hard sound, sometimes it almost sounds like the Pet Letter Z, and other times, in concert with its friend H, it can be silent or sound like an F. G can also grow silent around an N. This multiple characteristic means it costs a little more than most consonants. Often slipping below the level of the other letters in its lower case, this little guy can get all wrapped around other objects on the page. This tightly-wound Pet Letter needs a very stable environment, only the finest in Pet Letter Gourmet Meals, and a lot of loving attention from its attendant, from other Pet Letters you may have in your home, and perhaps from a qualified Pet Letter psychotherapist.

H: H is a very stable-looking letter, but as it is inclined to go moody and quiet, appearances may be deceiving. Although equipped with ample appendages for dressing up, H grows particularly surly if caught dressed jauntily and is not actually in a jaunty mood. Indefinite articles are often very worried about appearing inappropriately near an H, and for good reason. H can bring in its big friend G and wreak all kinds of havoc on tamer letters.

I: This is a particularly rigid appearing Pet Letter, although as a vowel, it is actually quite flexible, having the usual two or more sounds. Like all vowels, I costs a little more, and needs a little more attention than an ordinary consonant.

J: J is a quirky little Pet Letter, enjoying the privilege of a dot over the lower case version and a whole lot of squirms and squiggles for the capitalized version, especially when a calligraphist is in the vicinity. This Pet Letter is very self-confident, taking full responsibility for that one Constitution-signing fellow’s notoriety.

K: K is a Pet Letter with an unfortunate sense of humor. It often slips elderly fruit into the briefcases of relatives, has been caught tripping old ladies with its outstretched foot, and occasionally impersonates blind people to wangle free stuff from peddlers. K has also been known to use the blind ploy to lean on the arm of attractive women in short skirts while crossing the street. K can also be silent and morose when in the presence of N.

L: L is a pleasant little Pet Letter because it can be voiced for a while. It has a nice stable quality to it, although English words of Spanish derivation give the lie to that impression. L looks nice with decorations along the escutcheon, particularly banners or swags.

M: M appears to be militant in bearing, but it’s actually a very affectionate Pet Letter. Known for its wet kisses in particular, this Pet Letter can be dressed up or down, enjoys a good calligraphy session, and loves it when you say its name slowly. Please avoid placing hats on both peaks, as that just looks silly.

N: The Pet Letter N has always felt like M’s hand-me-down younger sister. Being the first Pet Letter of the second half of the alphabet does not produce the responsible and dignified behavior that one hopes for in such a key position. Sadly, although you can try to make a happy Pet Letter out of this one, I’m afraid obstreperous behavior is the norm, and serious sedation may be required to keep it from gnawing the furniture and nipping at the house plants.

O: O is a very serene Pet Letter, and may cause its attendants to question their own spirituality. As a vowel, it is not unusual, except in that when it begins a word, sometimes it sounds like there is a W there as well. Like all vowels, it costs more than ordinary single-sound consonants.

P: P is another voluptuous letter, with that prominent bust line and straight spine. It is especially emotive when dangling its lower-case leg below the line or when pronounced solo, as in such insouciant words as “poof” or “plop.”

Q: This letter is a wild ride, with that tail omnipresent, no matter how you capitalize, italicize, change fonts, or write in cursive. A gregarious little letter, this little guy is seldom seen without a companion U (English language veteran Scrabble players know about qintar, qiviut, qoph, and qwerty, of course), so you may need to consider also getting a U to keep your Q company.

R: R is a confused letter, with both yin and yang written clearly on its surfaces. Undecided whether to be stern and stiff-backed, soft and welcoming, or whimsically ready to trip other letters rushing past, this Pet Letter shows its true form in the lower case, where its imperfect balance, both straight and curved sections, and that pointing accusatory finger are revealed. British English-speakers, and non-native English-speakers often do interesting things to this Pet Letter, including rolling and flipping them.

S: This Pet Letter is often maligned by those with speech impediments. Having lots of room to house other shapes, this letter enjoys the company of both calligraphers and graphic artists. Combined with other Pet Letters, S can produce some fun sounds, and it is very fond of making things plural or possessive.

T: T is a fun Pet Letter, often happy to play with H (who can be haughty), S (who can be shameless), and C (who can be inscrutable). T is particularly fun to play with if you make a feathered hat out of its top section, for some reason.

U: This Pet Letter has plunged into recent popularity as an abbreviation for “you” in emails, IMs, and hip hop song titles. Before this notoriety, it was a fairly ordinary vowel, being especial friends with Q, and having the usual two sounds. It also is honored in the name of its near neighbor, W, so the price for this vowel is a little higher than most vowels. It can also be used as a handy container for round objects you might be inclined to doodle. Be aware that it is also likely to attract cobwebs.

V: V is a fun little consonant because it is one of the few that can be said while making a sustained sound. It begins a lot of judgemental words, like value, virtue, valor, and vague, so it might need a special attention to prevent it from becoming an indiscriminate editor. If you find this Pet Letter looking at you askance, it may be time to get a companion Pet Letter so it can target its attitude at someone its own size.

W: W is a strange little Pet Letter, with no name all its own, and unsure of whether it is a vowel or a consonant. Some people pronounce it with a lot of wind, others with a harder edge. This is the most expensive Pet Letter consonant because of its extreme flexibility. If you’re looking for a status symbol Pet Letter, this is your best bet.

X: This catchy little Pet Letter is hard to pronounce unless it’s in the middle of a word. It often hangs out with the vowel E and the consonant C, so you might consider saving yourself the play date arrangements by just getting all three.

Y: The Pet Letter Y begs the question Y not. Having upraised arms, it seems like an enthusiastic little thing, until you find out that it rides the fence between consonants and vowels. It costs a little more because of this duality. It often rides the end of certain words to mean that something is a little bit of something else, like the wind was all swishy, or the girl was kind of goofy. It can be fun, even though it doesn’t like to take firm stances. If you want a Pet Letter that plays the field, Y should be your first choice.

Z: Z, the Pet Letter with the wackiest reputation, may be the last on the list, but is not the least popular. This little guy is a lot of fun to draw with a calligraphy pen, and enjoys squiggles, hats, seasonal costuming, and a good nap.

You can get most consonants directly from me (coloratura8va@earthlink.net) for $29.95. C, G, and H are $35.95. Vowels are also $35.95, except U and Y, which are $39.95. E and W are $49.95. Tax where appropriate. Prices subject to change without notice. Coupons may not be combined. No Letters were harmed during the creation of this article. Any similarity to Letters or Persons real or imagined, is strictly coincidental.

Pet Rocks were a huge success back in the 70s. Just think how much more practical a Pet Letter is!

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